Part Four - "The Best Man"

The first thought that came to mind was not joy for my brother, or even surprise at how quickly all of this had happened, but fear. All of a sudden I realised that I had to make a speech. It wasn't so much that I was fearful of public speaking (although the thought of it did send shivers down my spine – and to be honest despite all the recent practice, it still does), but that I had to speak in front of a crowd of people and make them laugh.

I wasn't a completely humourless individual back then. I had on occasion been known to crack a killer joke that would leave others rolling around on the floor with tears in their eyes. But I had also been known to tell jokes that fell so flat as to leave tumbleweeds rolling around and nothing but boredom in people's eyes.

When it came to comedy, I wasn't just inconsistent, I was also very random too. Sometimes I would make people laugh without meaning to (which when I was trying to be serious was a very disconcerting – I didn't know if they were laughing at me or believed that they were laughing with me). Then there would be times that I'd think of a gag that I was sure would have them rolling in the metaphorical aisles but would bring not the sound of laughter but the sound of a whistling wind and the distant call of a church clock chiming the midnight hour.

So the thought of having to stand up in front of a group of about 100 people, some of whom I didn't even know (and worse some of whom I knew quite well), was so pant soilingly awful that the mere thought of it gave me stomach cramps.

The day of the wedding came before I knew it, but I still hadn't written my speech. I sat at the reception, on Danny's right hand side, sweating. Danny's new father-in-law tapped his glass to bring the room to a silence and raced through his speech so quickly that, before I knew it he was saying, "And now ladies and gentlemen I give you Daniel's brother Jack, the best-man."

The audience politely applauded and I got unsteadily to my feet. I looked at all the faces looking up at me, waiting expectantly. A small dribble of sweat ran all the way down my back and in doing so sent a shiver down my spine.

I cleared my throat, wondering what the hell I was going to say. This was surely going to be a catastrophe, it would be remembered as the wedding where the best-man just stood there and said nothing. I cleared my throat again and then a third time. I could see the audience beginning to shuffle in their seats and cast glances at each other, so I thought I'd better say something. I opened my mouth to speak, but instead of words, I just let out a long scream, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

Suddenly I realised that I wasn't alone in screaming, I looked to my right and Danny was screaming along with me. It was then I realised that I wasn't actually at the wedding, but still in the car after the match. I'd obviously fallen asleep, but whilst I'd been asleep Danny had succeeded in crashing the car.

"The Best Man" is copyright Angus Burns 2007.